There are few types of comedy that have stood the test of time as impressively as toilet humour. While they might not be the most high-brow gags you’re likely to hear, there’s something about the inanity and simplicity of joking about number ones and twos which is guaranteed to tickle the funny bones of children and adults alike.
So, while the following 50 toilet jokes are aimed at kids, we’re confident that more than one of them will raise a smile in comedy lovers of any age. The next time you’re struggling for reading material while answering the call of nature, why not add some hilarity to your bathroom experience? You never know, it might just help you to relax and let go – in more ways than one.
50 laugh out loud toilet jokes for kids
- Which superhero saves the world by hanging around in bathrooms? Flush Gordon.
- Did you hear the news? The toilet lids at the local police station have all been stolen! It happened two weeks ago and the cops have still got nothing to go on.
- What do you call a dog in your toilet? A poodle.
- What should you do if you find a grizzly bear in your toilet? Be polite and wait until he’s finished, of course.
- Husband to wife: “I’m really impressed by your anger management skills. Whenever we argue, I sometimes lose my temper, but you’re always cool, calm and in control. How do you do it?” Wife to husband: “I just clean the toilet.” Husband to wife: “Oh yeah? And how does that help?” Wife to husband: “Because I use your toothbrush to do it.”
- My friend has decided to rename his toilet “Jim” instead of “John”. When I asked him why, he told me that “It sounds much better when I tell people that I go to the Jim every day.”
- Why doesn’t a pterodactyl make any noise when it goes to the toilet? Because the P is silent.
- Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom!
- Why did Tigger take so long when he went to the bathroom? Because he was looking for Pooh!
- Do you know the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain? Ah, so it’s you who’s been making a mess of my bathroom!
- In Star Trek, what did the toilet in the Enterprise space ship have inside it? The captain’s log.
- There are two very good reasons why you should never drink toilet water. Number one and number two.
- I forgot my mobile phone when I went to the toilet this morning. On the plus side, I did learn that we have 422 tiles in our bathroom.
- Whenever I went to dinner parties at other people’s houses, I noticed that they have a toilet brush in their bathroom, so I decided to get one for our home. It’s been a week since I first got it and I think I prefer toilet paper personally, but each to their own.
- Last week, I ran out of toilet paper and started using old newspapers instead. All I can say is that The Times are really rough.
- My grandfather is full of really exciting stories from when he was a young man. The other day, he was telling me about the time he went hunting tigers in the jungles of Asia. “I had spent the whole week following their trail and had just about given up on tracking them, when all of a sudden a huge Bengal tiger leapt out at me. He let out a ferocious roar and kid, you won’t believe it, but I soiled myself,” he said. “Of course I believe you grandpa, I’d have soiled myself too!” I replied. “No, you don’t understand. Please go and bring some toilet roll right now,” he responded angrily.
- The toilet paper shortages at the start of the pandemic were as depressing as they were illuminating. They showed that when it comes down to it, the average person really only cares about their own behind.
- My three-year-old daughter asked me where poo comes from the other day. I decided it would be best to explain using an example she could understand, so I told her that after eating her dinner, her body took all of the nutrients and other good stuff from her food. Whatever is left behind comes out of our bottoms as poo. She just looked at me with a confused look on her face and said, “Okay… but what about Tigger?”
- Why are romantic relationships a lot like Indian food? They always start out hot and spicy, but end up with someone on the toilet crying and asking “Why me?”
- What’s the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat when you live alone? A warm one.
- I was shocked to find Arnold Schwarzenegger working at my local supermarket the other day! When I asked him where the toilet paper was, he said, “Aisle B, back.”
- One time I had to pretend I was doing a number two in the toilet, so I dropped a bar of soap down it to make a convincing plop. It was a sham-poo.
- What begins with a Q and ends with a P? A lengthy line at a music festival toilet.
- What should you do if you find yourself stuck on the toilet? Call in the squat team.
- What are toilets called in heaven? Halle-loo-yas!
- What did the mother say to her little boy when he missed the toilet while peeing? “Urine trouble, young man!”
- I bought an ABBA branded toilet last week. What a loo!
- A drunk staggers into a confessional booth and sits down. The priest waits patiently for him to begin speaking, but the drunk stays silent. After a few moments, the priest coughs politely, but the drunk still says nothing. After coughing again, the drunk still won’t saying anything. Finally, the priest runs out of patience and knocks sharply on the screen dividing the two of them. “You can knock all you want, buddy, but there’s no toilet paper in this cubicle either I’m afraid!” says the drunk.
- What’s the difference between a toilet and a cemetery? Absolutely nothing – when it’s time to go, it’s time to go.
- What’s the quickest way to get in touch with your inner self? Single-ply toilet paper.
- I was using a public toilet the other day and all of a sudden I could smell cigarette smoke coming from the next cubicle. It was so disgusting, I almost couldn’t finish the sandwich I was eating!
- What kind of army officer is in charge of the latrines? A loo-tenant.
- A woman came into her GP for a routine check-up. The reception handed her a urine sample container and pointed to a door, saying: “The bathroom is just over there. The doctor will see you shortly.” The woman smiled and went through the door. When she returned with an empty container a few minutes later, she said: “Thanks! But there was a toilet in there so I didn’t need this after all.”
- Living alone can be scary sometimes. But what can comfort you and freak you out at the same time? A warm toilet seat.
- An old couple are walking together along the street when all of a sudden, a pigeon poops on the woman’s shoulder. “Quick! Get me some toilet paper,” she shouts at her husband, disgusted. “What for? He must be half a mile away by now,” replies the man.
- Why didn’t the toilet paper make it all the way across the road? It got stuck in a crack.
- The older generation really have no clue when it comes to technology. I asked my dad what our IP address is and he just pointed to the toilet.
- My girlfriend asked me if I could put the toilet seat down. So I went in there and shouted: “You’re worthless and no one cares about you!”
- I just ingested a load of Scrabble tiles by mistakes. Now I’m worried that my next trip to the toilet will spell disaster.
- Why do Americans leave a penny on the top of the toilets after using it? So there’s always a cent covering the smell.
- What do you call an igloo with no toilet? An ig.
- Me and my girlfriend split up recently because she said that I face the toilet paper the wrong way on the holder. I said, “I can’t help it baby – that’s just the way I roll.”
- Did you know that the Netherlands had to pass a law which made it illegal to flush old shoes down the toilets? They were experiencing too many clogs.
- With so many toilet paper shortages recently, I’ve been forced to think outside the box. Last week I used the leaves from the tree in my garden, this week I’ve moved onto lettuce from my vegetable patch. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg!
- Why should you never pour cereal down your toilet? It Kellogg’s up the drain!
- I tossed my old toaster into the toilet the other day. It was a shock to the cistern!
- It never ceases to amaze me how commonplace lies and trickery are in this world. I went through a door labelled “Ladies” this morning, but when I got inside there was only a lousy toilet.
- Where do toilets come from? They grow on toiletries.
- How is urinating in a public toilet similar to playing golf? Because you have to:
…Keep your feet shoulder width apart.
…Straighten your shoulders.
…Bend your knees.
…Maintain a firm but loose grip.
…Keep your head down.
…Try not to hit anybody.
…Stay out of the water hazard.
…Be quiet when others are about to go.
…Let others go in front of you if it’s taking too long.
…Avoid standing directly in front of others.
…Keep all strokes to a minimum.
50. And last but least, did you hear the one about LetLoos?
While there’s certainly a time and a place for toilets jokes, one situation which is guaranteed to provoke anger rather than amusement is a shortage of sanitation facilities at a public event. Whether it’s a music festival, wedding or sporting occasion – or even a professional environment such as a construction site – ensuring there are adequate toilets to accommodate the needs of all those in attendance is of paramount concern for any event organiser.
Thankfully, we at LetLoos are on hand to make the process of portable toilet hire as simple and as straightforward as possible. We know that managing a public event or private commercial project is a stressful business, which is why we aim to eliminate at least one worry from your mind through our affordable and convenient services.
From portable chemical toilets to luxury toilet trailers and easy access toilets to four-man urinals, we offer a wide range of solutions to satisfy all requirements. We can deliver to and pick up from your site on the dates in question, as well as providing tank emptying services and toilet attendant and cleaning services for the entire duration of the project.
By all means, share these fantastic toilet jokes for kids with your own youngsters, but don’t let the next job you manage become a laughing stock. Get in touch with our friendly and approachable team today by sending us a message with your requirements. We’ll be happy to offer you a no-obligation quote and answer any questions you have as soon as we can, giving you complete peace of mind for all your portable toilet hire needs. Contact us today!